Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Universal Grossness of Parenthood

I'm finally about to hit the year-mark in what I fondly refer to as "baby boot camp." My daughter will be one on February 22, and it seems like this year went sometimes at warp speed, and other times at a crawl. (Honest to God those first three months, I was allotted more than standard twenty-four hour day.)
Christine (Yep our super Christine who is now madly working on revisions for her novel) said, "Parenthood is filled with long days and short years."
I kind of tweaked it: "Parenthood is filled with long days, longer nights, and short years."
And having reached the year mark, I couldn't agree more.

That said, I've been reflecting on something: The Universal Grossness of Parenthood. (Something like the Unbearable Lightness of Being without so much philosophy.)
So I, too, have joined the ranks of those who have the honor to carry the title -- parent. And to prove it, I have passed the following tests ...

1. I now spit on kleenex, tissues, or other fabric-like materials to wipe off my daughter's face.
2. I don't think twice about sticking my finger in the back of a diaper to "make sure" it wasn't just gas. (Though I don't really recommend this if you're not at home near a sink and soap. And a DEFINITE no-no with long nails.)
3. "Once-tasted" fruit that has been thrown on the floor has been designated its own food group in our home -- one I admit I rather like.
4. I'll spend an entire day thinking everybody around me stinks -- or the city has some kind of weird odor issue -- only to realize, when I get home, I forgot to wash the spit up off my shoulder or I have some kind of pureed substance on my person.
5. "What's thatsmell?" is a common question for me.
6. Sleep isn't an option anymore. And I'm okay with that. (Thank God for Caffeine)
7. Blow-outs are a regular part of a day. In fact what comes out of that little body is NOT proportional to what goes in. Babies defy the law of conservation of mass and matter.

Really, though, what a gift this year has been. I'm so so lucky. And hell, I never slept well beforehand anyway.


Christina Farley said...

So funny! And yes, I never really drank caffine until kids. Congrats on your one year!

Jean S. said...

Heidi, soooo true!! Have you read the book, Everybody Poops? Are you getting it for Amelia or will you be writing your own version?